How To Get Rid Of Your Horribly Misapplied Fake Tan (In 5 Easy Steps!)

So I just finished with an AMAZIN trip to Lake Powell (pictures to come ASAP) and have quickly realized that my skin does NOT tan! Well, I guess I kinda know that already. I've been self tanning (fakin it) for YEARS! So I thought I'd share some tips!

My first experience with sunless tanner was while I was still a youngin in high school. We were having a school dance and I decided that instead of looking like my typical hip albino self, I would like to look like a glowing bronzed sun goddess. Obviously, since I am a mole person untouched by the elements it’s not as though the actual sun was going to be involved in this goal.

So instead of “tanning” I decided just to buy some lotion from the store and rub it all over myself. It looked nonexistent at first so I smeared it on extra heavy. Then I went to sleep. And then the next morning, I woke up. And I looked like an orange with psoriasis.

That day, I learned valuable lessons about how to get off your horribly misapplied fake tan.

1) Boil yourself: Jump into a tub. A tub filled with hot water. Anything to loosen the skin is good.

2) It rubs the lotion on itself. Specifically, baby lotion.It softens up the skin.

3) Use a loofah. Maybe your first inclination will be to scrub in off up and down motions. This will not work. It will only make it look more streaky. Instead, try to exfoliate in circular motions so it can at least blend a little bit.

4) If life gives you lemons, you should apply them to your streaky fake tan. Lemon juice will lighten the darker areas, and it make it look more “natural” with the rest of your skin.

5) Just give up and buy the tan remover. It works. Not completely, but it works pretty well. I like St. Tropez sunless tan remover. Mostly I like it because they sent some and it was in my medicine cabinet as I was deperately squeezing lemons onto my freshly exfoliated skin.

Bear in mind that all of this will take about an hour, and it will kind of suck. I guess the moral of the story is “don’t apply fake tan lotions horribly.” I’ve found that spray on tans work a lot better in general because, well, at least you can see the process as it’s happening.

Boobs. Jugs. Cans. Whatever You Call 'Em, This Is a Post About Having Big Ones.

Hey you. Up here.

Oh, hi there. Did you think I didn’t notice you staring at my rack? No, you knew I was going to notice but you thought it wouldn’t matter. You thought because they’re so big that I probably get it all the time, and don’t even mind anymore. I bet you thought because you’re a straight woman, it’s totally kosher to check out my chest.

Hey! I said to stop looking. Get your eyes out of the gutter—and out of my 32 DD cleavage.

Thanks.

Look: it’s not easy having big breasts. Sure, they’re a beach-body bonus and a super hubby date-night accessory. But most of the time, having big boobs is a a big buzz kill.

I spent a couple months for christmas (discounts baby) working as a Victoria’s Secret salesgirl in a mall near my casa. Not only did 85% of women wear the wrong bra size, but 100% of large-chested women looked positively miserable as they surveyed the overpriced sateen garments. They weren’t looking for a sexy push-up, they were looking for mammary redemption.

It was all I could do to not throw my arms around them—but not too close—and say, “I know! The push up bras and the little convertible wonders are just mocking us! Get out now before they talk you into uncomfortable thongs you’ll probably never wear!”

No one takes a woman with huge tits seriously in the business world. In an office, big balls are praised, but big breasts are just stared at. And it’s difficult to appear professional when I’m bloated and I swear to god my breasts have swollen to a F, which I think stands for “F off, I’m cranky and my chest hurts.”

Even worse, nothing fits. Cardigans hang off my shoulders and buttons snap off the front. Clingy tops pull in the wrong places, and sundresses always hang too low and look too provocative for everyday wear. And I can forget going bra-less in the summer—which means I can’t wear cute strapless, backless, or halter dresses.

“But Kasey,” you counter, careful to look me in the eyes this time, “why can’t you just buy a strapless bra?”

Because strapless bras were obviously invented by some 34 B chick who wanted to torture us full-figured ladies with a wired contraption that inhibits both breathing and ever letting go of the sides of your dress. I’d like to be holding onto a cocktail, not tugging at my tethered boobs all night, thank you very much.

I don’t own strapless bras, or fancy bras, or pretty sheer bras trimmed with lace. They don’t make the delicate, sexy strappy cups in my size. I must have told hundreds of desperate Victoria’s Secret shoppers to look elsewhere to support their massive breasts. We want cute convertibles, but we really need pickup trucks to haul these babies around.

We need to really belt them in—and I do belt them in! I really, really do. I swear to god, I have more support around my chest than Betty White has on Facebook. But the fact of the matter is even when they’re strapped tight against me, I still have huge breasts. I have melons. I have the qualifying skills to be a Hooters waitress.

I have just started exercising more often, an activity that I’ve come to loathe since puberty blessed me with gigantic jugs. Low impact? How about no impact. Even with the tightest sports bra on the market,running is an exercise in futility. Which is to say: I will run about 20 yards before I double over in pain. Think I’m crazy? You try jogging around with two ten-pound balloons secured near your lungs and live to write about it. They say the whole city can be your jungle gym, but I’m still waiting for whoever “they” are to install a few elliptical machines in the park.

Of course, having a large rack is not always negative. When I take a break from my feminist responsibilities, owning a pair of enormous tits is terrific. Men are more likely to hold doors, buy drinks and offer you their seat which is kinda nice. However, I'm married, HAPPILY and They’re also more likely to hit on you in an incredibly inappropriate manner, treat you like a piece of meat and try to cop a feel.

So is a wired, elastic, slightly minimizing, usually uncomfortable T-shirt bra the product of a masochistic society? Hell no. I will not burn my bra—it would really be lewd, you guys. It would be too much. It would be seriously profane.

Hey! Goshdarnit. Eyes up here

The Last Thing In The World I Want To Own

You know, I never thought I’d see a pool float I didn’t like…but yep, this would be it.

You can buy this GIANT INFLATABLE COCKROACH (seriously? This is something that has to exist?) for just $29.95.

This way kids will enjoy hours of…total, soul-crushing, incapacitating terror.

Husband Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,Desperate

———————

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Hot and Spicy...

I saw this on TV yesterday, and was riveted by the 60+ white woman wearing pearls and a neckline that came up to her ears telling me how “hot and spicy” this scent is.

And yes, she did mean it that way.

Standing next to her was an equally mummified, also white lady nodding vigorously, which further eroded the product’s credibility.

And so, I looked it up.


Made by some con artist named Marilyn Miglin, this is one of those perfumes that claims to bring out your natural pheromones.

I suspect that the general public learning a little bit about pheromones has done more harm than good in this world — people now seem to think that they will be able to sniff out their soul mate, and that for $500, their pheromones will be…what?

More alluring when Johnny Depp walks by?

Make you smell more like yourself? Isn’t the whole point of pheromones that they are how you smell? And isn’t the whole point of perfume to make you smell other than how you already smell?

What am I missing?

And also, why the hell are there incense sticks?

Breaking News: Miranda Kerr Has 'Embraced her Curves'

If this isn’t a step forward in body acceptance, I don’t know what is!



Miranda Kerr, the supermodel whose collarbone, ribs, and hipbones were recently on display in GQ making her look like a naked bobblehead, has learned how to embrace her curves.

What a long, hard road that must have been for the size-0, 100-pound heavyweight.

But bravo, Miranda — no doubt you’ve given other Victoria’s Secret models the courage to come forth too!

But seriously — am I to understand that the curvy model trend, made popular by Crystal Renn (LOVE HER), means that other supermodels are going to try to fool us into thinking that they’re plus-size too?



Cause, um, Miranda? We can see you!

True Blood: Nazi Werewolves and Blood Gelato

Hey chicklets, we’ve got an awesome True Blood for you guys this week. We find out about Nazi werewolves that are more then Nazis, that crazy people can be both racist and homophobic and get to meet the Closet King. Anyway, enough intro-ing, lets’ get to the rich red good stuff.


Our episode starts almost right where the last one left off. Bill is spitting some big furry clump of something out of his blood stained mouth, which I was able to figure out was one of the werewolves ears. It also helps that the guy screams, “my F-ing ear!”, and has blood pouring out the side of his head, but hey I’m pretty intuative about things like that.

It’s easy to forget that Bill is a pretty bad ass vampire, what with the recycling, and spending big blocks of episodes saying I wuv you to Sookie, so this scene is a nice reminder that Bill is good for more then trips to the mall jewelers for engagement rings. We see that Bill has done a serious number on the werewolves because the ground is littered with bodies, and in a couple of cases, pieces of bodies.

Bill is just about to settle up with the last werewolf, when this guy with semi-Elvis hair rides up on a big white horse. It turns out the guy is the vampire king of Mississippi, which means the fight is officially called on account of plot twist.

We find out the the vampire king sent the werewolves to escort Bill to talk with the king. The king isn’t too concerned to find out the werewolves kidnapped Bill, and bound him with silver, but when he finds out about the werewolves using Bill like a pony keg of V, he no likee. The vampire king shoots one of the werewolves, but not the leader of the werewolves, because his name is Cooter, so living is punishment enough.

Oh my God, you just made Mr Ed an accessory to murder!

Dude, seriously, Cooter?

The vampire king then tells Bill he will answer all of Bill’s questions, but not until at least the second act, sorry I mean in good time. He then gives Bill a ride back to his place. Congratulations Bill, you just been rescued by a man in riding clothes and he’s taking you back to his mansion on his big white horse; you are now officially a heroine on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. I guess that means our glimpse of Bad Ass Bill is over. It was fun while it lasted, and then the credits come up.

Calgon, take me away!

When we come back from the credits, Lafayette has battered down the door to his bathroom and finds Tara gobbling up all of his pills. We then get to see Lafayette do some serious multi-tasking, because he gets Tara to upchuck in the toliet, and reads the riot act to Tara’s mom for being more of a Jesus groupie then a mother to her only daughter. Man, it’s a good thing Lafayette doesn’t know about Tara’s mom trying to get frisky with her hot dog headed minister or this could get really ugly. Well not as bad as the back of that guy’s noggin, but pretty close.

Anyway, Lafayette announces that he is taking Tara to the hospital, and that Tara’s mom is officially out of her life. Like I said, the guy seriously multi-tasks in this scene.

If you thought we could go more then three scenes without finding out what Sookie is up to, you’re living in a fantasy land. By the way, what’s yours like? In mine I get to ride around in the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazard, and it’s made out of chocolate.

Anyway, Sookie and Jess have stopped by Fangtasia to see if Eric knows anything about this Operation Werewolf symbol that Jess looked up on her magic phone last episode. Eric says he doesn’t really know anything about this, but Sookie should stay away from werewolves, because they are bad news, and have unfortunate names, like Cooter.

While Eric is telling Sookie that he really doesn’t know anything, Pam and Jess spend a little girl time in the powder room. Jess asks Pam for tips on feeding on people without killing them, because Bill didn’t teach her about stuff like that. Pam tells Jess the most important thing is to not drain the suckee dry, and for her the best way to stop feeding is to think about crying babies in dirty diapers, or maggots. Wow, now I totally don’t want to finish that jumbo bag of Tootsie Rolls, it does work. You rock Pam!. In fact I think I’ll celebrate, with Tootsie Rolls. On second thought, I guess it must be a vampire thing.

Anyway, it’s good advice, but eventually Jess gets to the question she really wanted to ask. What would Pam do to get rid of the hypothetical body of a hypothetical long long haul trucker, if say you accidentally ate him after breaking up with your boyfriend?

What if the guy really starts to reek? I mean hypothetically?

We don’t get the answer to that question because we kick back to Sookie and Eric. Seeing as Eric hasn’t told her anything, Sookie thinks this would be a great time to remind him and us in the audience with no short term memory, that “Beil is out thar somewhere, en DAN-Jur.” Then, Sookie brings out the big guns, and begins to sniffle about how much Bill means to her and how sad this is making her.

Eric gets surprisingly emotional over this. Well not that surprisingly, because with Bill out of the way it opens up the opportunity for that Eric Sookie romance that everyone wanted last season. Still he doesn’t give Sookie any more information. This is right when Jess and Pam come out of the ladies room , and Jess announces she needs ride home before sunrise. Sookie and Jess exit stage right, and Eric looks off into the distance, which means, FLASHBACK!

We find out it’s Germany in 1945. We’re in some bombed out farm house, and we can hear Eric and Godric talking in German, but can’t see them. Some extra like a GI busts into the room, and finds some naked chick in a closet. The GI suddenly gets very nurturing, and tells the naked chick everything is going to be all right. This is right when the naked chick turns into a werewolf and tears the GI’s throat out. Okay, lets clear this up. Things are going to be all right for the naked chick, for the GI, not so much.

This is right when Eric and Godric, Eric’s maker, shows up dressed like they are in the SS. The werewolf goes to tear Eric’s throat out, but Godric does that super fast vampire running thing and ends up pinning the Werewolf to the wall with the now seriously deceased GI’s bayonet. The werewolf turns back into a naked chick, and starts yapping about how they all serve the same master. Eric checks out her neck and finds the same mark that was on that dead guy Sookie and Jess found last week and tells her, “no, we don’t.” Then he pins her other arm to the wall by ramming a knife through it.

We then cut away to the next scene. Oh come on, sure it’s just getting good, but we’re still in the first act. We’ve got a lot of TV to get through before we can find out what happens. Now who wants to see what Bill is up to? Besides Stephen Moyer’s agent? Wow. looks like a lot of you are in for a long two minutes.

Bill and the vampire King arrive at the vampire king’s fabulous mansion. This is where we meet the vampire king’s long time male companion, who does his level best to make Bill feel welcome. They do this by locking Bill in a room and posting guards at the door, but on the plus side, the decor is fab-u-lous. Naturally, Bill wants to know what is going on, but Long Time Male Companion points out that the sun is about to come up, and everyone needs to start making with the sleepy time so we can get on to the second act. Bill gets locked in his fabulous room, and the last we hear from the vampire king and his male companion in this scene, is the vampire king saying he thinks they are going to need to bring in the girl.

Long Time Male Companion

We go from that to Tara and Lafayette who are driving to the hospital. The only thing is that Tara tells Lafayette that she’s puked all the pills and that if she tells the doctors what happened with Egg and Maryann, they will lock her up in the loony bin and throw away the key. Lafayette then tells Tara she has a lot to look forward to, like a long life of pain and sorrow, and she can’t kill herself because that would mean that Lafayette would have to face it all on his own.

Wow, I love me some Lafayette, but with a pep talk like that, it’s a wonder Tara hasn’t wrapped her lips around the exhaust pipe of the car and started sucking down carbon monoxide like a sorority girl with a whippet during Spring break. Anyway, Lafayette finally does give Tara a reason to live, because he tells her he is going to take her out to get something to eat, and then he has something he wants her to see.

We cut from that to Sookie dropping Jess off at Bill’s house. Hoyt is waiting for Jess, and starts telling her that everything is going to be okay, and that he totally overreacted when Jess tried to suck all the blood out of his momma. Ah, the complete capitulation, always a sure fire way to work past a bad argument. Only is doesn’t work here, because Jess says her nature makes her a bad person. Hoyt says they can work past that, but Jess says it’s too late, and goes inside. Jess starts crying, Hoyt gets mad and kicks the door, and the whole situation is completely F-ed up.

This is so F-ed up

It doesn’t get any better when Jess goes to turn in for the day and sees that dead trucker is starting to turn green. Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. Eating even one long haul trucker can screw up your entire life, just say no.

Sookie finally makes it through the door of her house and hears somebody creeping around. Luckily she’s able to get the jump on the guy and whomp him right in the family junk. Too bad that guy turns out to be Jason.

The odds of Sookie ever becoming an aunt just plummeted

Jason tells Sookie he couldn’t sleep so he decided to come over and clean her house in the middle of the night. Amazingly, Sookie doesn’t wonder just when her brother turned into the stalky version of a housemaid.

Sookie fills Jason in on what’s happened, and how it all makes her feel terrible. Jason tells Sookie that he’ll see if Andy can dig up any info for here because Andy is really smart. Well, next to Jason.

The next thing we get to see is Sam getting a wake up call in his car parked in front of those people he thinks might be his family. In this case the wake up call is that creepy Tommy kid holding a shotgun to Bill’s head, and telling him not to move, and to get out of the truck

Wakey Wakey eggs and backey

Sam goes inside, and the main thing his family wants to establish is that Sam isn’t a bill collector, because they mailed that check. Eventually it comes out that Sam is there long lost son and everyone looks like they just ate a bug. Except for Creepy Tommy who looks confused, but I get the feeling he has a lot of practice at that, so I’m not worrying about it.

After a satisfying meal off camera, Lafayette takes Tara to that place he wanted her to see, and it just happens to be a mental hospital. Tara immediately loses her poop and starts screaming about how Lafayette can’t have her committed without her permission. That might be true Tara, but I have a feeling that screaming like a lunatic in the lobby, might get you at least a complimentary shot of lithium.

Eventually Lafayette gets Tara calmed down, and we find out that this is the mental hospital where Lafayette has his mom at. Yep, Lafayette’s mom is completely out of her tree. Still she recognizes Lafayette, and calls him a faggot. She also tells Tara and Lafayette that her nurse Jesus is a metsican, but he hasn’t rapped her yet. Wow, she’s racist, homophobic, and completely bug nucking futs? Man between her and Tara’s mom it’s no wonder nobody in Tara and Lafayette’s family gets taken out for brunch on Mother’s day.

We catch up with Jason right as he shows up at the sheriff’s office. It turns out they are having a press conference about Eggs being a serial killer, and Andy saving the day. Andy tells this TV reporter that he isn’t a hero, and he certainly didn’t cook up some story to keep the town meathead from going to jail for murder.

Andy sees that Jason is there, and turns the press conference over Sheriff Bud. Andy then finds a very private place for he and Jason to have a super private conversation, translation, the sidewalk. Andy asks Jason what part about laying low and not attracting attention to himself is the one Jason doesn’t understand. My vote is both, and also how the picture gets in the TV, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the recap, so we’ll just forget about it.

Jason tells Andy about how Sookie is all messed up because she thinks she’s responsible for Eggs getting killed. Well, that’s only because she kind of is, but Jason tells Andy they need to do something to make it right.

Andy can see that Jason is really in a bad way, so he does the one thing that can fix any situation. He tells Jason they are going out for a second lunch.

Second lunch? As in two? I never thought I’d be saying this, but Andy Bellefleur, you are a genius

We cut from that back to Sam, and his long lost family. Hey, you keep making that face and it’s going to get stuck. Anyway, Sam is finding out all sorts of stuff about his family. Like his dad’s been in prison, and that they have a credit score of “if you give them a hamburger today, there is no way in hell they will pay you back next Tuesday.” Not that matters, because what Sam really wants to talk to them about is being left with another family, and how sad and lonely he’s felt his whole life. Sam’s mom and dad reach the appropriate levels of boo-hooey, but Creepy Tommy is cheesed because nobody told him he had a brother, and he stomps out of the house. Personally, I think he’s just pissed, because it looks like Sam got all the height in the family.

We cut back to Lafayette and Tara who have finished up with their visit to Lafayette’s mom. Lafayette tells Tara there is a darkness in there family and if she doesn’t fight it, she could end up in a room right next to his mom. How this is supposed to make a person not want to kill themselves is a little bit beyond me, but Tara promises not to try to kill herself any more and the exit stage right. Look all I’m going to say about this is that Lafayette is a good cook, an above average V salesmen, and a super duper go-go dancer, but as a motivational speaker, well, he’s a hell of a go-go dancer.

Back with Sam, he’s gone outside to try to bond with his new brother, Creepy Tommy. Too bad Creepy Tommy has decided this is the perfect time to show off his one true talent, being a surly little jerk. Well, Creepy Tommy is playing to his strengths so we can’t get too cranky. Creepy Tommy is giving Sam a hard time for living with a nice, well to do, normal family growing up. This interferes with that pity party Sam’s been throwing for himself, so Sam counters that nobody was around to tell him about shifting like in Creepy Tommy’s family. Sam sees the situation is getting out of hand, and even he has noticed that his mom and dad act like they wandered away from a Tennessee Williams play, so he concedes the crappier childhood to his little brother.

Creepy Tommy then announces that he is going for a run, and doesn’t mind when Sam invites himself along. Sam proceeds to turn into a collie, which Creepy Tommy thinks is kind of wimpy, because Creepy Tommy turns into a pit bull. Personally I think Creepy Tommy is just working through issues brought on by being a legal adult who still can’t ride the roller coaster by himself.

This is right about when nightfall hits, and we head back to see what Jess is up to. In this case she is going through a can of Lysol in about five seconds and calling around to find a hardware store that rents chainsaws in the middle of the night. Jess finds a place, but needs some money, which requires her to go through the now deceased truckers wallet. This is when Jess finds a picture of the guy with a small child, which immediately makes Jess feel lower then whale poop. Still, this guy’s corpse is stinking so bad, it could make a skunk’s eyes water, so she gives him one last spray of Lysol and exits stage right.

We then head over to Bill in Mississippi, where he is just sitting down to dinner and exposition. It turns out the vampire king of Mississippi wants to offer Bill a job as one of his sheriffs. Oh and he also wants to take over Louisiana, and marry their vampire queen.

Now we really need to talk about that last part, because the vampire king lives with his long time male companion in a house full of beautiful antiques, and he wants to get married. To a girl. Okay, as of right now, this guy’s nickname is Closet King.

All hail the Closet King!

Over at Merlotte’s Andy and Jason are still enjoying their second lunch, or might have even stayed on for dinner. Anyway, they just happen to be in the restaurant when Andy’s press conference comes on the TV. We see Andy telling everyone he isn’t a hero, but nobody buys it, and everyone in the restaurant gives him a big round of applause. This includes Jason, who ends up getting up on their table and toasting Andy by saying he’s the wind beneath Jason’s wings. I mentioned that Jason is pretty much completely poopfaced here, right? Andy gets Jason down off the table, and tells him to quit attracting so much attention.

We then find out that Jason is really down on himself, and it isn’t doing anything for his ego for everyone to be treating Andy like a hero for doing something that is just tearing Jason up inside.
This leads to Andy having to give Jason a little pep talk. Andy points out that Jason has a good heart, and he is prettier then most girls. (Both these statements are true, but just for the record when was the last time Andy had a girlfriend?) Andy tells Jason he just needs to use his talents for something positive. Good advice, but seeing as how Jason excels at putting things in wood chippers, capture the flag, and humping, it might be hard to fully maximize this particular skill set.

Still this little bit of encouragement puts a smile on Jason’s face and gets him to tell Andy that he’s his best friend. Andy says that’s just sad, and it is, but Andy is still way better at pep talks then Lafayette.

My second lunch with Andy

Cut back to Sam and his new little brother, Creepy Tommy. Well the two dogs that are supposed to be Sam and Creepy Tommy as they run through the woods having a great old time. That great old time comes to a screeching halt when Creepy Tommy stops in the middle of the road in front of an oncoming truck. This gets Sam to stop, and then Creepy Tommy turns into a bird and flies away. Sam darts out of the way at the last second and doesn’t get run over, but he does end up naked by the side of the road. Apparently when it comes to sibling rivalries, this is what passes for nut punching for shape shifters.

You know, for a responsible small business owner, Sam ends up naked on the side of the road an awful lot

We cut over to Bill’s house and somebody is going through his stuff. Who? We don’t know because we don’t see their face, but whoever they are, they like boots with long pointy toes By the way, normally we would be a lot more upset about somebody going through Bill’s stuff, if they didn’t happen to find a big jumbo file on Sookie, and her family, and even press clippings says that she won a spelling bee as a kid. Wow, that’s super stalky. Help me out here, is super stalkly better then boring, because right now I can’t decide.

Sookie, your word is Dan-Jur

This is a perfect time to cut over to see what Sookie is up to. In this case, she’s sitting on her couch in the dark, holding this gun that Terry the Cook gave her earlier. I know your summer viewing choices on the boob tube can be a little slim, but QVC sounds better then this for an after dinner activity.

Not to worry, because Sookie hears a noise and goes to investigate it. Who could it be? Some bad guy? A werewolf? Bill? Santa? (Sorry, had to give a shout out to Jason there) No, in this case, it is Eric, and he says he just stopped by because he lied to Sookie the other night. Now Eric lies to Sookie all the time, but what makes this one different, is that we get another FLASHBACK!

Eric and Godric have that naked werewolf girl still pinned to the wall and Eric wants her to tell him who her master is. The girl tells Eric if he will give her some of his blood, then she will spill the beans on this whole master situation. Godric reminds Eric that their blood is scared, but Eric gives naked girl a little pick me up. The good news is that the werewolf girl tells Eric that her master is another vampire. The bad news is she doesn’t say which vampire. The extra bad news is Eric’s blood gave her like extra super human strength, so she is able to rip her arms off the wall, push Eric to the floor and get ready to stab him through the heart. Luckily this is where we get some just in time good news, when Godric does some super duper fast vampire running and snaps the naked werewolf girl’s neck.

Godric then reminds Eric that a true vampire is always in control of his emotions. This leads to a very rare shot of Eric looking guilty.

We cut from that back to the present day with Sookie and Eric. At first all Sookie takes away from this story is that Eric and Godric were in the SS. Eric points out that they only dressed like they were in the SS, because hey, outfits by Hugo Boss. Sorry, what I meant to say there was, acting like they were in the SS helped with their search for these Nazi werewolves.

Hey, if you want that designer label, you do what you gotta do

Eric then goes on to explain that these particular werewolves are extra bad news, because they are super strong, super well trained and financed, and hopped up on Vampire blood. This is why he doesn’t want Sookie nosing around, because these guys would kill her in a second.

This is right where Eric changes the subject by suggesting that he and Sookie boink like lust crazed weasels. Sookie tells Eric he isn’t going to distract her by talking nasty, and Eric points out that he already has. Man, Eric might not have a pulse, but he is smooth with the ladies.

Hey, seeing the woman he just bought a big honking engagemnet ring is getting chatted up by his rival, now would be a great time to check in on Bill. Well that, and he’s where they have the cameras pointed now, so we have to go with it.

Closet King is still making his pitch for Bill to sign up for Team Mississippi, and while he is doing it, he says the queen has been wasting Bill’s talents by sending him to Bon Temps. Bill tells Closet King that he came to Bon Temps because that’s where he lived before he got turned into a vampire. His queen had nothing to do with the move. This is when Closet King points out that there is no way in hell that the Queen would let a vampire like Bill move to some hick town and fall in love with a waitress.

Wow, with what we know thanks to seeing that big file at Bill’s, this is starting to bring up some interesting questions about just what Bill’s been up to since the show started. And, it doesn’t help Bill that he is starting to look extra guilty and they are only on their blood soup course at dinner.

We cut from that over to Merlotte’s where Lafayette is coming in to start his shift. He’s bringing Tara with him into work, because, well that’s what people do when you attempt suicide and they don’t trust your own mother to watch you.

We don’t really concentrate on that right now, because Terry the Cook is hanging out by the ladies room. Wow that doesn’t sound good. How about he’s waiting for Arlene to come out of the ladies room? Not perfect, but a little better.

Anyway, Terry the Cook doesn’t know that Arlene has been freaking out because she’s pregnant again, so when she comes out of the ladies room he presents her with a list of ten reasons why she can trust Terry around her kids. The first one is that Terry the Cook is very nurturing, and has an armadillo named Felix living under his bed to prove it. Terry the Cook also has a diploma in anger management, which is pretty cool, and Arlene thinks this is sweet, but her morning sickness kicks in again and she bee lines back to the ladies room. When we leave the scene Terry the Cook is still reading down his list and we find out he’s never killed anything by accident. Normally this one might be a red flag, but I think that diploma in anger management takes care of this one, at least I really hope it does.

His name is Felix? That’s adorable

Out in the bar, it looks like Tara’s made a new friend. Aww, how sweet, now all we have to do is figure out what the hell is the matter with him. Hey, don’t make that face, everyone Tara goes out with has issues. That’s how it works when you’re a fictional supporting character. Besides, Tara’s new pal is a vampire who is wearing the exact same shoes as the person who was going through Bill’s stuff earlier. I told you the guy was going to have issues.

Jess comes home with her rented chainsaw, and an instructional video entitled, So You’ve Finally Decided To Dismember That Rotting Trucker Under Your Floorboards. The only problem is that the trucker’s body is gone. Jess makes an awesome I just pooped my pants face, because she just blew 50 bucks on a chainsaw rental for nothing. Sorry, I mean because there is a body floating around that can link her to a murder. Either way Jess is sporting one of the most panicked faces ever for a person who didn’t find a dead body in their house.

When home repairs go horribly, horribly wrong

From that little mystery we head over to the parking lot at Merlotte’s where Jason is telling Andy he is fine to drive. By the way, to anyone out there, if you ever have to convince people that you are not too drunk to drive, guess what? You are, and you might want to give them the keys for the ride home, unless you really have your heart set on getting punked in the drunk tank. Anyway, enough with the PSA, on with the show.

Andy gets Jason into his car, which Jason thinks is cool because he’s never ridden in the front seat of a cop car before. This is right when Andy finds out that Kenya and the rest of the cops are raiding some meth lab. Andy decides to go check it out and brings Jason with, because what’s the worst that could happen? Yeah I can’t wait to see what happens next either.

When Andy and Jason get out to the meth lab raid, Kenya isn’t happy to see either of them, but seeing as Andy is a detective she has to put up with him. Andy tells Jason to stay in the car, but that doesn’t make for very entertaining television.

Also Jason sees this really pretty girl standing in the woods. Jason gets out and tries to talk to her, but the pretty girl doesn’t say a word. She just runs into the woods. Jason is about to follow her, when he hears a noise coming from the house the cops are raiding. Some low life guy hops out of the window and starts making with escaping the scene of the crime. Too bad for the low life, Jason just creams him with a open field tackle, and when Kenya and Andy show up, Jason is pulling a bag of crystal meth out of the guy’s pants that looks like a season worth of product on Breaking Bad.

I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of her this season

You know how earlier Andy was telling Jason he just needs to find the right activity to harness his talents? Sadly for everyone else in law enforcement, crime fighter seems to be jumping to the top of the list.

Well things are still cooking at the parking lot at Merlotte’s. Tara is in full on suicide mode, and trying to kill a fifth of Wild Turkey all by herself. This is why she gets extra cranky when two racist redneck guys decide to piss on the spot where Eggs got killed. Tara takes out the first guy with a quality sucker punch, but things are looking kind of dicey for Tara with the other racist redneck.

That is until Tara, new friend, the creepy looking vampire guy in the pointy shoes, shows up and grabs racist redneck peckerwood from behind. The vampire guy tells the racist redneck peckerwood to apologize, which leads to the racist redneck peckerwood swearing something fierce, which leads to Tara putting a pretty savage beat down on the guy. As Tara keeps wailing on the racist redneck peckerwood, the vampire guy’s fangs come out, and love is in the air.

By the way I called when I said the next guy Tara met wouldn’t be as good looking as Eggs

Hey you know how I always go aww, when Jess and Hoyt get together? Totally didn’t happen here.

Okay, time to go back to Mississippi, where the Closet King is telling Bill that he knows he’s in love with Sookie and would do anything to protect her. This is right when Bill’s maker, Lorena shows up saying it’s more like ridiculous. So’s wearing that riding helmet indoors sweet cheeks.
For those of you who don’t know her, Lorena is Bill’s maker, and last season she tried to keep him from rescuing Sookie from an anti-vampire cult. Oh and the only way her southern accent could get any worse, is if she started to make repeated use of the phrase “youse guys.” And double oh, because Bill can’t stand her, and last season he went Keith Moon and tried to crush her head with a big plasma screen TV at a hotel.

looks like somebody is prepared in case somebody else drops a plasma TV on her head

Luckily for Lorena there aren’t any big screen TV’s here. Not so luckily for her, there are some lit oil lanterns, and Bill moves super vampire fast and beans her with one. This wouldn’t be as bad as getting your tatter whomped with a plasma TV, but the oil catches fire, and Lorena is well on her way to being a vampire torch.

Well that brings an end to this dinner party. Too bad, they didn’t even get to have their blood gelato.

We are in the home stretch of the episode when we cut back to Sookie and Eric. Eric is flirting up a storm with Eric, and even though she keeps saying she belongs to Bill, Sookie doesn’t seem too upset that Eric is doing it. Suddenly Eric tells Sookie to invite her inside. At first Sookie is telling Eric he can’t bully her around, but once she figures out that Eric isn’t angling for a makeout session, she does what he told her.

Eric and Sookie go inside, and sure enough, there is a werewolf in Sookie’s house. The werewolf starts growling, Eric sprouts his fangs, and Sookie pulls out that little gun Terry gave her. The last thing we see in the episode is that gun going off. The End.

Wow, a pretty cool episode in my opinion. All the plots seem to be moving forward. Bill’s trapped in Mississippi, there are Nazi werewolves running around, a vampire war could be right around the corner, and we might even see Sookie and Eric make out in a non-dream situation.

This season seems to be off to a promising start.

Hey, what do you guys think of using real wolves as werewolves on the show? I saw a thing with the show’s producer, Alan Ball, and he was saying werewolf special effects are old hat, but at least for me, the real wolves don’t seem as scary as vampires. I think they went with real wolves to keep the makeup budget from bankrupting the show this season, but that’s just my opinion.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.