Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Husband Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hot and Spicy...


I saw this on TV yesterday, and was riveted by the 60+ white woman wearing pearls and a neckline that came up to her ears telling me how “hot and spicy” this scent is.

And yes, she did mean it that way.

Standing next to her was an equally mummified, also white lady nodding vigorously, which further eroded the product’s credibility.

And so, I looked it up.

Made by some con artist named Marilyn Miglin, this is one of those perfumes that claims to bring out your natural pheromones.

I suspect that the general public learning a little bit about pheromones has done more harm than good in this world — people now seem to think that they will be able to sniff out their soul mate, and that for $500, their pheromones will be…what?

More alluring when Johnny Depp walks by?

Make you smell more like yourself? Isn’t the whole point of pheromones that they are how you smell? And isn’t the whole point of perfume to make you smell other than how you already smell?

What am I missing?

And also, why the hell are there incense sticks?