Thursday, May 27, 2010


The official dictionary definition:
Courage: cour·age   [kur-ij, kuhr-]
–noun 1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

My definition:-

Courage is making the right choice, even when it breaks your heart.

-Courage is waking up every morning and making the choice to be the best you can be.

-Courage is taking the hard road, because it is the right thing to do.

-Courage is admitting when you're wrong.

-Courage is sacrificing yourself for the betterment of others.

-Courage is facing down your demons and laughing in their faces.

-Courage is coming back from rock bottom and thriving
.-Courage is taking those first steps, no matter how small, towards a better life.
-Courage is you.
-Courage is me.

Take today to be courageous.

Whether that is taking on a task that might seem a bit out of reach or just making it through another awful work meeting.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Vampires have ruined my life...

Why, Stephanie Meyer, why?

Why can’t I put Twilight on a shelf and let it sit there like a normal book?

What subliminal messages have you slipped into the angst-filled narratives that compel me to re-read your books ad nauseum?

I have nothing in common with teen vampires or werewolves, and I have a stack of books waist-high in my study, some of which I’ve been on the wait-list to get for months.

I also have a husband and plenty of things I need to be doing. Laundry, exercising, cooking, cleaning, showering, figuring out how my dog got a black eye, etc. And yet, each spare minute finds me delving deeper into the Edward and Bella saga, despite the fact that I’ve read the entire series at least five times.

The dialogue annoys me with its simplicity and unrealistic cleanliness. (These are teenagers, hon, and nobody knows more than they do about how to drop the f-bomb into everyday convo. They can make the word a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, alliteration, hell, probably even an acronym. Yet all your characters deliver, despite being tracked by bloodthirsty immortals, is Bella’s not-so-endearing, “Holy crow!”)

I am simply confounded by the degree of my obsession.

Even the movies are addictive, though I look at Robert Pattinson and see only Cedric Diggory in dire need of a hairbrush. (JK baby, we’ll get to you in another post. You’ve taken literature as crack rock to a whole other level).

The script (and book) are pretty flimsy on developing the initial relationship between Edward and Bella, but hey, Shakespeare didn’t give Romeo and Juliet a whole lot of time to declare themselves for all eternity, either, and it doesn’t seem to have hurt his sales.

The entire Twilight phenomenon is enough to drive a person insane.

As I sit typing, the piano melody of Bella’s lullaby from the movie is stuck on repeat in my head.

While better than, say, “Tiptoe through the Tulips,” “Copa Cabana,” or “Sexy Back,” it’s still driving me to distraction.

Why, though?

What is so special about this story?

What elements of the formula for successful literature has dear Stephanie used?

Let’s examine:
Denial of self, denial of nature. Star-crossed lovers. A vulnerable woman (girl, really) and an invincible man (physically, at least) who is also possessed of an uncommon sensitivity and a sense of honor, duty, and humility that can only have come from an early 20th century upbringing. We’ve also got fantastic parlor tricks—mind reading, predicting the future, being able to manipulate the emotions in a room. And these are just the extras, in addition to everyone’s super-human speed, strength, agility, grace, beauty, hearing, and oh, let’s not forget, immortality.

What’s not to like?

She’s also included that all-time favorite device of the writer, the love triangle. Oh, and in this case, the underdog is actually a, well, dog. Both guys in the triangle have that other bestselling quality—the bad-guy persona. Everybody’s gorgeous and either wears designer duds from Paris (the Cullens) or runs around ripped and half-naked (Jacob and pack).

In the Cullen family, there’s a vampire for everybody.

Carlisle represents culture, perseverance, self-denial, and inherent goodness.

Esme is largely glossed over, but she represents strong maternal urges and a huge heart, and in the movie version, reminds us she’s the chick with amnesia from Grey’s Anatomy.

Rosalie is the classic bitter beauty (though with good reason).

Emmett is the guy’s guy. I mean, the dude hunts grizzlies. You can’t get more Bear Grylls than that.

Alice represents the quirky, and Jasper the reformed.

As for bad guys, they’re present in spades. The Volturi eat Chuck Norris for breakfast and Jack Bauer for dessert. ‘Nuff said.

There’s something for the spiritual person, too. All this talk of souls and whether the vampires will go to hell kind of smacks you in the face with it, but there are some subtler things as well. Once bitten, it takes three days to make the transformation from human into vampire and then to rise again.

Three days.




Alice’s abilities put her in the role of prophet, and the very nature of the vampires and the wolves inspires thought about the ability of a character to be both fully human and fully other at the same time. Which leads to thoughts on the nature of Christ.

Stephanie was a Utahn... BYU... The whole nine yards..

Then we have the constant narrative of self-sacrifice threading through the stories, in an especially powerful way for Bella. Her willingness to quite literally shed her own blood to help those she loves …

Well, hell. I meant for this to be funny, not to turn into a book report. Maybe Twilight actually does have some literary merit. (You can take the English lover out of the classroom, but you can’t take the classroom out of the English lover. Sorry!)

Another major theme is abstinence.

At first, it’s from a purely practical perspective, as intimacy with Edward might very well kill Bella, but in the later books, Meyer makes a point of having the characters want to wait for marriage.

Going back to the formula, all this pent-up sexual desire, frustration, romantic angst, and the sheer logistical impossibility of an Edward/Bella pairing versus the relative ease of a Jacob/Bella scenario practically guarantee that readers will want the impossible to happen.

Perhaps Stephanie Meyer just thought of a good story and told it, and I’m blowing it way out of proportion. But I’d be disappointed to think so.

Also, don’t get me wrong. I love these books, and I’m not faulting her for being formulaic. I’m just jealous that I haven’t written a bestselling quartet of vampire books.

And more than slightly ticked off that her appallingly appealing vampires have rendered me incapable of putting her books down long enough to write the bestseller that could possibly be lurking somewhere in my own brain.

Friday, May 21, 2010

How to not be a beeyotch...

And make friends.....


Today's topic involves something that's a little tricky for me.

See, I'm not perfect (despite reports to the contrary).

I have lots and lots of issues, one of which is my inability to make girl friends....

I often push away people, and yes, I can sometimes seem like a jack hole.

However, I am never intentionally a she-devil, although some girls I knew in high school would probably beg to differ.
This, I believe, is what distinguishes those who are just clueless (like I often am) from those who are just plain spiteful: intention..

I had a very unfriendly education in biterhood during my time as an high school sweetheart. I had an ungodly large chest at a very young age, started dating early, had a relationship that when sour and (even though we did nothing) ended up being rumored as the girl with a bad reputation.

Those ingredients combined made for a rather large helping of haterade coming at me from ALL directions.

I was lucky enough to make a really close girl friend in Charlotte O'Hare when I was a junior in high school, and if it hadn't been for her, I think I might have lost it completely.

She was an amazing girl. We met in drama class. She was an exchange student from Germany with the most amazing accent! :)

We would have sleepovers, lunch together and support each other in all of our drama-filled high school lives! She was with me through break-ups, make-ups and "supposed" hook-ups that all the girls gossiped about me.

Years later, we met up in Costa Rica for a week to celebrate my birthday and her new marriage. It was amazing and, honestly, a time in my life that I felt a bliss that is unimaginable. This was the last time I ever saw Charlotte but I'm glad that I was able to have shared so many wonderful memories with her.

I love you Charlotte O'Hare and I will always keep you in my heart.

Back to school.....

As it was, I knew that girls talked about me. I'm sure I said some stupid things, did some stupid things, pissed off the wrong people. but only the girls who really liked to be mean had to make my life those are the credentials that qualify me to write this list on how to not be a beeyotch and make friends...!

Anyhoo, here's my starter's guide to not being a beeyotch and making friends in the land of girl. These bullet points are in no particular order:

Save the drama for your mama.

gossip is a part of every woman-to-woman relationship. and don't try to lie (to me or yourself) and say that you never gossip--you know you do. and it's ok; one of the perks of having best girlfriends is that you can tell them everything without fear of judgment. at the same time, though, don't get sucked into being your social circle's news syndicate. trust me, that blabbermouthing will come back to bite you in a hot minute.

Keep the competition friendly.
Life is not about seeing who can wear the most fabulous shoes or spend the most money on their car. Although sometimes it's fun to talk about those things, the purpose of existence is not to make other women feel bad because they use wal-mart makeup. In fact, wal-mart carries some fabulous makeup at a very good price (Hello, lashextend!).

Don't cheat.

Whether it be on your husband, your significant other or even with your friends significant other. Don't do it. It's not cute, it's cruel. and greedy.

Be loyal.

One of my biggest complaints about the mean girls that I've known in the past is that they carry a long, sharp knife in their purses and are just waiting for you to turn around so they can slide it right between your shoulder blades. No matter if they were just at your house the weekend before asking you for your enchilada recipe, they'll just as soon turn on you. That doesn't sit so well with me. Stand up for your friends, even if it makes you look like a jerk. It's good karma.

Be honest.
This one is difficult, because honesty is kind of a fluid and subjective entity. Of course you never want to shout out things without putting them through your mouth sphincter, and the thoughts in my head should NOT just come out without warning. What I mean is don't deliberately lie with a malicious intent, like when you want to look like the shiz in front of other people. it's not cool.

Be selfless.
I have had a couple "friends" who didn't understand this principle. Good friends put others before themselves. I'm not saying you should sacrifice the happiness of your family or husband in order to be nice to your friends, but it's my firm belief that if your comfort is the only thing standing between you and serving someone you love, the choice is easy. If you wear a thong, this should be a cinch to understand.

Be humble.
This is by far the hardest point for me. I have a healthy sense of pride, and I am constantly trying to be more teachable. I know that my pride has started many an argument between my friends and me, so I'm working on it. When it comes to friends, put your ego away--you have nothing to prove. And if you do feel like you have something to prove, chances are your friend is a beeyotch.

So what say you? Am I being too harsh? Did I miss something? I am open to disagreement--in fact, I relish it; so regardless of your opinion, leave a comment.

These "rules" may not be perfect and they might, too some of you, be off base. I have just really started getting the hang of friendships and to be completely honest with ya'll....
I have more friends now than I have ever had...
Sad but true.

I really want to take the time to point out those who've had a huge impact on my "friend count" in the recent years.

My mother has always been an amazing friend to me and I feel so blessed to have her. I know that without her holding my hand each and every day. I would not be standing here.


I really need to take time out to truly thank my best friend, Shellaine Biersdorf. For not only being an AMAZING woman but really helping me to learn these rules. I have honestly never had someone like her in my life and don't know how I made it this far without her.
Obviously I am blessed to have my amazing husband to always support and love me throughout whatever life throws at me. I thank the stars that somehow I got so crazy blessed to have Shellaine enter back into my life as well.

We met when I was in elementary and lived just down the road from one another.

She and I had the usually "friendship" which was very juvenile and I'm sure both of us did not follow these rules. I can actually pick out instances to which (at that age) we bluntly disregarded and rebelled against the rules.

But through the magic of the all mighty facebook we met up again 4 years after seeing each other. She has been there with me through the hard times when I just wanna cry and she was a HUGE support to me at my wedding, there from the very beginning to the car ride home. She threw me a bachlorette party and picked me up when I was falling over drunk (the first and ONLY time I've been drunk)

Thank you for being the best friend I could ever ask for Shelly-Lane.

Thank you for being my rock Mom-a-mia.

Thank you for the wonderful memories you've left in my heart Car-lotta!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pardon me, but your mustache is showing

it's awkward thursday, y'all!

today's topic: grooming rituals. you know you have them, and i wanna hear about it.
i was getting manicure a couple weeks ago when i heard a story that made me wish i was a man.

the manicurist came and got me from the sitting area a few minutes late, directed me back to her station, and sat down across from me as she said, "i'm so sorry i'm late. my last client passed out during her brazilian.

"ummm, WHAT?!
one leg to heaven, lady parts splayed like she was on the delivery table, first rip, and boom--knocked out. she came to quickly, but embarassing.
i think i would have ran out there with my one little waxed bit and never shown my face there again.
but that girl called her friend on her cell, asked her to bring some candy to rev up her blood sugar, and finished the wax like it was no big deal.

talk about a commitment to hairlessness.

i try to go to the gym a few times a week, and i usually look like a homeless person when i do.

i don't spend a lot of money on workout clothes (because i'm just gonna sweat in them), and my beauty routine before the gym generally consists of brushing my teeth and making sure i'm wearing socks.

but i live in america where the gyms are a meat market, so a lot of the girls that work out at my gym look like they're competing in a beauty pageant.

the men, on the other hand, seem to be the same everywhere:

50% meatheads with large veins and likely very small testicles,

25% old men wearing headbands and short shorts,

and 25% clueless people walking around staring at pageant-queen boobies.

i don't hold it against the women who go to the gym in ru paul makeup; that's their choice. i just think it's kind of laughable when women act like they wake up like that in the morning.

and even more laughable that men believe them.

then they act all surprised when they see them for the first time without makeup and they look like swamp thing.

personally, i think almost all women look better with just a little makeup. i understand the urge to cover flaws like undereye circles or blemishes, and to spruce up what you've got , but woman: you don't need to spend an hour in front of the mirror before you do the drivethru thing.

ronald mcdonald doesn't care if you have bushy eyebrows.

up until the wedding date, i had never waxed anything. NO-thing. i gave in for the big day and got my legs done. it wasn't terrible. but going all brazillian... not happening and i have no plans to do so.

razors are my friends, and we are on good terms. call me old-fashioned, but the only person i want seeing my netherbits are my husband and my doctor.

here's my typical beauty regimen:

i wash, crub, and moisturize my face religiously in the evening. i am very scared of acne, and i have oily skin, so if i don't scrub that stuff, my skin starts overproducing oil like crazy.

i brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush. i floss when i remember.

i wash my hair twice a week. if i do it more often, my hair looks like a bale of hay.

i shave twice a week (in the summer. in the winter, it's a craps shoot). my hair is naturally blonde, so i'm lucky in that sense.

i tweeze my eyebrows once in a while. eyebrows are my thing. i am obsessed with always having perfectly groomed eyebrows!

After cleansing and such, i fix my hair. it really depends on my mood whether or not i go the distance here. i've gotten into this phase of just showering and scrunchin the crap out of it with gel which is kinda a messy crimply curly look.

then comes makeup: concealer under the eyes, bronzer (im well aware that one day i will look back and say "was that much bronzer really necessary?" but i'm ok with that),

i really like to take time on my eyes and do a cool shadow to make them POP, than mascara.

i usually put on my trusty old red lipstick as i'm leaving the house. sometimes i forget.

i love body spray, scented lotion, perfume. i have like 6000 half-empty bottles strewn all over

my dresser. my favorite right now? dior's j'ador. my husband picked it out all by himself (well maybe had a few hints) for one of my christmas presents, and it smells delicious.

i think that's a pretty good representation of how i get to look like all of this everyday.


but seriously. i'm sick of women being expected to look like they were airbrushed before they left their house for the grocery store. and don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that you should let yourself go and stop caring about what you look like.

i know that outward appearance has a good deal to do with how you feel on the inside. i am a huge believer in that. i know that i feel sooo much better when i look pretty. :)
but wouldn't it be nice if the world liked the way you looked before you spent an hour getting ready in the morning?

how awesome would life be if people thought saggy boobs were as beautiful as fake ones that face the ceiling?

and if unibrows were cool, and botox was a cure for cancer instead of frown lines?

anyway, that's how the world would work if i were master of the universe. unfortunately, i am not master of the universe (yet), and women are probably going to be judged based on appearance for a long, long, long time.

but let's be honest; your mustache didn't wax itself off. what's your beauty routine like?

how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

how long do you have to know someone before you let them see you without makeup?

let's hear it, ladies (and gentlemen, if you're brave enough--i know there are several of you reading/stalking). gimme what you got, and it better be good. for example, if you're the girl who passed out during your brazilian, i expect you to 'fess up.

p.s. in case you hadn't noticed, i officially passed 5 followers yesterday. cue me jumping up and down and clapping like i just won the lottery.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ear Moth

Did not sleep well last night. I know, I know . . . like you freakin care.

Sometimes I get what my doctor calls an “ear flutter,” which is this weird little rhythmic thumping sense of movement deep within my ear.

My doctor says it’s no big deal, tied to my allergies, and to think of the flutters it as “ear hiccups.”

My doctor uses the phrase “no big deal” entirely too much, I think.

Ear flutters do not feel like hiccups.

Flutters feel like an enormous fuzzy moth is rearranging furniture and making grilled cheese sandwiches . . . in your ear.

My personal ear moth is usually drunk, I think, because he bumps into everything as he makes himself a late-night snack.

Listening to a giant tipsy moth make cheese sandwiches in your ear is not conducive to sleeping.

So I stay awake and worry.

Worry comes naturally to me.

And mostly, on nights like this, I worry that the giant moth will kick a hole right through my ear and into my brain.

A moth-drilled hole into my brain would be bad, I think, although I am sure my doctor would probably look into that hole, wave to the moron moth, and say that it is “no big deal.”

Imagine me in bed, sitting up, but with upper body thrown as far forward as I can stretch.

Head face-down into the blankets between my knees.

In this position, the ear moth is silenced.

This position is not conducive to sleeping.

Stupid ear moth.

I go to bed at nine - I know I'm old!

After about an hour I assume the "I can't sleep, HELP ME!" position

All the while, my personal ear moth is dragging the settee closer to the window and slamming bedroom bureau drawers. Tripping over the coffee table on his way to the fridge. And now he’s issuing lunch orders.

I’m sure my doctor would agree that it is “no big deal” that I am now able to converse with the moth in my head.

A cheese sandwich does sound tasty.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Passion Has Red Lips!

"Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin. That, or a kick-ass red lipstick."

So I have a secret....
Know what it is.....?

I Freakin Love Adore WORSHIP Red Lipstick!


I don't quite know what it is about red lipstick that I love most but I really felt the need to write a blog dedicated to my one true love... the glory that is... BIG RED! Word on the street is that red lipstick is staging a comback. Well my friends, according to yours truly, red lipstick has never really left!

I had my first encouter with the incredible stuff when I bought an issue of Spin Magazine WAY back in 2001! It seemed to jump out of my hands and magically turn to a picture of Gwen Stefani, bindi on her forhead, all platnium blonde hair and red lipstick. Goddess! Since this time it has never left my lips. While the platnium blonde hair doesn't seem to suit me to a tee, I still follow in the diva-like footsteps of my eternal love- Marilyn Monroe wherever I go! :)

It's true; I love red lipstick. And though on occasion I'll dabble in pinks and mochas, I always come back to my trusty, old Fire Engine Red. You see, pink may be young and frivolous, and mocha grown up and mysterious, but red, red is bold and unapolagetic, daring and feiry, energetic and free.

Red lipstick is like magic. I love how it can instantly transform the most basic ensemble. For example: Please turn your attention to the Prada Spring 2010 show... Oh-la-la. Red lepstick even made pigtails-- pigtails -- look impossibly chic! Only this magical substance could pull off such a feat!Photobucket

There’s no doubt that red lipstick will give you confidence.. the first time I wore it, at the tender age of thirteen, I was getting all sorts of comments and looks. Some not as welcomed as others but regardless. I just felt completly powerful. You have to have a sense of power when you slip on that red wonder. You have to hold your head just a little bit higher, walk a little taller and know that you. are. woman.

It is a known truth that women wore red lipstick to draw attention as early as in ancient times. It has been said that Ancient Egyptians painted their lips red and the geishas paint their faces white and their lips red. It seems that red lips are a universal symbol of beauty. With this knowledge I encourage every woman to experience the force of this magic color. I do need to add, though, you have to be on your guard, the situation will certainly get out of control.


Now I know that many of you may think that red lipstick is "not for me". I know it's a transition, kids, but one that is worth making. Gwen is a red lipstick crackerjack and Mariyln just a sexy bombshell who could pull of any color of the rainbow. It just suits her. Unfair but true. I know Gwen and Marilyn are seductive, sexy ladies and you may be thinking that it is just for the femme fatal type... I realize that red lips deliver an aggressive message, It depends, though. Did gentle Audrey Hepburn look like posing any threat to others? She did use red lipstick! The trick is to find the right shade. If you’re blonde, go for a blue-ish red. If you’re a brunette, you want to think along more orange/coral lines.

If you are unsure as to where to start let me point you in the right direction.. My top Brands for Red lipstick are…. Drum roll please!
1. NARS Photobucket
His reds are sooo red. There is a red for every occasion, every skin tone, and every preference. My favorite is Manhunt, a sheer poppy red. Gorgeous for an evening out on the town or the office. Or try Scarlet Empress, a semi matte blue red. Makes your teeth their whitest! Also other good reds by NARS are Red Lizard, a semi matte true red (great for blondes) and Fire Down Below, which is universally flattering. Plus you gotta love those names.
2. Delux Beauty Photobucket
Their reds are right on target. And the creamy texture combined with rich pigment makes them hard to beat. Add to that the boy’s names attached to the colors, and you have a red for every occastion. I love, Clovis, when I’m feeling sultry, Nigel when I’m feeling classy and Vinnie when I’m just feeling it.
3. Lola CosmeticsPhotobucket
That cosmetic Guru of the ‘80’s Victoria Jackson has a gorgeous makeup line. Her red lipsticks are perfect. And, she has more than I could ever use in a lifetime. But that hasn’t stopped me from stocking up. The colors are true and rich. The ones I can’t live without: Ruby, a red flame, true red. Brick House,(ahem, that’s ALL me!) Red with a hint of brown. For the shoe lover in me, Stiletto. The ideal vampy purple red. And for the lover in me, Bitten, a deep wine red.
4. BeneFitPhotobucket
Can’t forget my favorite red that they discontinued. Ankelstrap. I still have the tube, even though those genius (not) Ford girls ditched the color. Now, I have to opt for First Class, a sheer true blue red. Beautiful with clean face makeup. You will truly look and feel first class.
5. CHANELPhotobucket
Last, but certainly not least, Chanel. I must have a couple dozen of their reds. The quality of these lipsticks make them worth the splurge. The reds last, and don’t fade. I’m still partial to Vamp. How old is that? Remember when that dark brown/red that almost looked black hit the runways? It’s still inspiring color today. While I'm not a black lips person, one shade of this bad boy leaves you feeling like a covermodel

Good luck with all of your beauty endevors! Try it out and send me a picture or a note of how the change went! :)

Yours truly in red...