Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pardon me, but your mustache is showing

it's awkward thursday, y'all!

today's topic: grooming rituals. you know you have them, and i wanna hear about it.
i was getting manicure a couple weeks ago when i heard a story that made me wish i was a man.

the manicurist came and got me from the sitting area a few minutes late, directed me back to her station, and sat down across from me as she said, "i'm so sorry i'm late. my last client passed out during her brazilian.

"ummm, WHAT?!
one leg to heaven, lady parts splayed like she was on the delivery table, first rip, and boom--knocked out. she came to quickly, but embarassing.
i think i would have ran out there with my one little waxed bit and never shown my face there again.
but that girl called her friend on her cell, asked her to bring some candy to rev up her blood sugar, and finished the wax like it was no big deal.

talk about a commitment to hairlessness.

i try to go to the gym a few times a week, and i usually look like a homeless person when i do.

i don't spend a lot of money on workout clothes (because i'm just gonna sweat in them), and my beauty routine before the gym generally consists of brushing my teeth and making sure i'm wearing socks.

but i live in america where the gyms are a meat market, so a lot of the girls that work out at my gym look like they're competing in a beauty pageant.

the men, on the other hand, seem to be the same everywhere:

50% meatheads with large veins and likely very small testicles,

25% old men wearing headbands and short shorts,

and 25% clueless people walking around staring at pageant-queen boobies.

i don't hold it against the women who go to the gym in ru paul makeup; that's their choice. i just think it's kind of laughable when women act like they wake up like that in the morning.

and even more laughable that men believe them.

then they act all surprised when they see them for the first time without makeup and they look like swamp thing.

personally, i think almost all women look better with just a little makeup. i understand the urge to cover flaws like undereye circles or blemishes, and to spruce up what you've got , but woman: you don't need to spend an hour in front of the mirror before you do the drivethru thing.

ronald mcdonald doesn't care if you have bushy eyebrows.

up until the wedding date, i had never waxed anything. NO-thing. i gave in for the big day and got my legs done. it wasn't terrible. but going all brazillian... not happening and i have no plans to do so.

razors are my friends, and we are on good terms. call me old-fashioned, but the only person i want seeing my netherbits are my husband and my doctor.

here's my typical beauty regimen:

i wash, crub, and moisturize my face religiously in the evening. i am very scared of acne, and i have oily skin, so if i don't scrub that stuff, my skin starts overproducing oil like crazy.

i brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush. i floss when i remember.

i wash my hair twice a week. if i do it more often, my hair looks like a bale of hay.

i shave twice a week (in the summer. in the winter, it's a craps shoot). my hair is naturally blonde, so i'm lucky in that sense.

i tweeze my eyebrows once in a while. eyebrows are my thing. i am obsessed with always having perfectly groomed eyebrows!

After cleansing and such, i fix my hair. it really depends on my mood whether or not i go the distance here. i've gotten into this phase of just showering and scrunchin the crap out of it with gel which is kinda a messy crimply curly look.

then comes makeup: concealer under the eyes, bronzer (im well aware that one day i will look back and say "was that much bronzer really necessary?" but i'm ok with that),

i really like to take time on my eyes and do a cool shadow to make them POP, than mascara.

i usually put on my trusty old red lipstick as i'm leaving the house. sometimes i forget.

i love body spray, scented lotion, perfume. i have like 6000 half-empty bottles strewn all over

my dresser. my favorite right now? dior's j'ador. my husband picked it out all by himself (well maybe had a few hints) for one of my christmas presents, and it smells delicious.

i think that's a pretty good representation of how i get to look like all of this everyday.


but seriously. i'm sick of women being expected to look like they were airbrushed before they left their house for the grocery store. and don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that you should let yourself go and stop caring about what you look like.

i know that outward appearance has a good deal to do with how you feel on the inside. i am a huge believer in that. i know that i feel sooo much better when i look pretty. :)
but wouldn't it be nice if the world liked the way you looked before you spent an hour getting ready in the morning?

how awesome would life be if people thought saggy boobs were as beautiful as fake ones that face the ceiling?

and if unibrows were cool, and botox was a cure for cancer instead of frown lines?

anyway, that's how the world would work if i were master of the universe. unfortunately, i am not master of the universe (yet), and women are probably going to be judged based on appearance for a long, long, long time.

but let's be honest; your mustache didn't wax itself off. what's your beauty routine like?

how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

how long do you have to know someone before you let them see you without makeup?

let's hear it, ladies (and gentlemen, if you're brave enough--i know there are several of you reading/stalking). gimme what you got, and it better be good. for example, if you're the girl who passed out during your brazilian, i expect you to 'fess up.

p.s. in case you hadn't noticed, i officially passed 5 followers yesterday. cue me jumping up and down and clapping like i just won the lottery.

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