Wednesday, June 9, 2010



1) Go to the mall to shop for crap I probably don't need or even want. But I'm trying to be a supportive girlfriend and go with the girls. Anyway, I have enormous headache and somehow wander around for a full hour (!!) without actually focusing on a single item.

2) Still at the mall, realize that along with massive headache, I now have urgent need to use the bathroom. I do not know where the bathroom is, and I would like to find it quickly. But there is a GIANT fat man draped across the mall directory sign. With arms outstretched and belly planted, he is hogging the entire map of the mall. I am not entirely certain that his is not a sexual posture, so I do not interrupt.

3) Still at the mall, still in dire need of the bathroom, and now feeling headache nausea as well. Nice woman takes pity and directs sweaty desperate me to bathroom, which was . . . closed for cleaning. Hell.

4) Race to the other end of the mall, find bathroom. Select stall. Select wrong stall, because my toilet’s automatic flush-sensor is set to go off at the slightest hint of movement. I am on toilet for perhaps three minutes, and in that time, the toilet flushes 10 times. Maybe more. Audible snickering and mocking from other bathroom users.

5) Not all of that crazy-powerful flush water goes down, people. Wet freakin ass.

So done with being anywhere near malls. Let's hope for the end of this bonding experience shortly.

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